things i hate: blogs

I know you’re probably like “wow fuck this bitch this is literally her first post on her very own blog that she probably paid for.” You’re right—it is, and I did. But I really hate blogs. For the most part, they’re incredibly annoying to hear people talk about and even more annoying to read. Just the word “blog” itself is stupid and it sounds gross.

So I’m your typical self-centered cunt, and there stems most of my issues; the personal opinions of other self-centered strangers on the internet don’t do much for me. I’ve noticed an upward trend lately where a lot of people on my Facebook start and shamelessly promote their own “travel blogs” whenever they study abroad. I don’t think I could possibly give less of a shit about a 1,000 word expose in white text on a black background w/corresponding Instagram filter pictures on how you ate gelato outside of the Colosseum and “found yourself” in the process. Unless you yourself revived gladiator fighting and volunteered to battle a lion, I probably still won’t even read your blog unless it includes a video with a decent amount of real gore.

Inspirational blogs are THE WORST. If taking advice from some cheerful asshole on the internet is what makes you happy, then great. These blogs though, in my opinion, are just a fashionable way of showing off how rich the author is, because, yeah, I could go on a “spiritual retreat” to the Himalayas and eat pure vegan acai berry yogurt and wear feather necklaces and get a tattoo of the infinity sign behind my ear too, but shit’s EXPENSIVE. I’m too poor to inspire anyone, even though the only inspiration I could really provide would be stuff like self-loathing and self-aware (yet still conceited) irony. And anyway, how many more white girls posting 1 billion variants of “live laugh love” in cursive font does the world need??

Okay but DIY blogs can, sometimes, be an exception to my general hatred of blogs since on more than one occasion I have broken through a creative blockage halfway through a project because some kind soul out there took the time to write out their process and include STEP BY STEP PHOTOGRAPHS. But what I don’t appreciate is the 10 paragraph intro that delves into the emotional journey of the project or the personal significance behind it or whatever other irrelevant bullshit. I don’t give a fuck about how this needed to get done before your son Branton’s kindergarten graduation because you have to outshine Cortlyn’s mom who just got the new $4000 embroidery machine, or how Ashley at the salon really convinced you to take a leap of faith and try something new so that’s why you’re rocking a modest bob using a POLYESTER blend instead of your tried and true COUNTRY CLASSICS COTTON FABRIC. It all just irritates me when I have to scroll through it 20 times whenever my screen shuts off because I can’t be bothered to adjust my settings.

Even the actual blogging platforms are annoying. I PAID MONEY for this blog, with the cheapest package, yes, but I STILL CAN’T EVEN CHANGE THE FONT COLOR. Who knew font color and a decent layout were for the rich elite? Or at least for people who are willing to pay more than $30/year?? Or for people who are actually willing to educate themselves on web design and not just sit around and complain about everything??? So that’s why the theme here is trash, because if I can’t have something that looks nice, then I can at least hide behind the vaporwave aesthetic. Right?

EVERYONE has a blog. If Amy-bitch from high school has a blog with 3 posts about her long-distance relationship with her boyfriend Bradley (who won’t go by Brad because his dad’s name is Brad and their family owns a sailboat and they’re taking Amy-bitch out to Santa Monica so she can learn to sail but that was back in 2014 and then the blog went dark and you can’t even see if they’re together anymore because you’ve blocked her on Facebook but now, inexplicably, you really want to know how she’s doing), then you can imagine that blogs are incredibly popular for people who have actual thoughts and the actual ability to write things of substance. It seems like the vast majority of writers maintain some kind of online presence that’s all lumped under the classification of “blog,” and that’s a huge reason why I felt pressured to get one. My experience is that, I say I’m a writer, and usually people are like okay cool so do you have a blog and I say no I think they’re stupid. Who the fuck wants to read about my cynical, uninformed opinions? Maybe you mysterious internet people do, because maybe you’re garbage humans just like me. And that’s okay, because now I’m here to blog about it.

May your dumpster fires burn ever bright.

xoxo –Allegra

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